Do you remember the moment when you were transformed by yoga?

There are many moments I have felt transformed by yoga, it’s why I come back to my mat time after time. It’s why I trained as a yoga teacher over 10 years ago, and why I have continued to study yoga since then.

 So, when was the first time I felt transformed by yoga?

I would say it was the first time I stepped on to a mat, because from that moment on I was never the same.

But the moment I felt something shift in a way I had never experienced, was during a difficult time in my life. That was the moment I knew that this was more than just exercise, which up to that point it had felt like that for me.

I was travelling back to the UK after living abroad for almost four years, a move I did not desire, but that was happening none the less. I was in Thailand (part of my extended journey home – delaying the inevitable), and I was struggling with the transition. At the time I couldn’t see how this move could be good for me, it felt all wrong. I was leaving behind a life I thought I loved, and coming back to the unknown, not to mention a financial crash.

To add to everything my grandfather just had passed. I hadn’t seen him for four years. I was very close to him. I felt so much guilt for not being there before he died, and that I wouldn’t make the funeral.

I recall practising yoga on the top of a mountain, the decking of the retreat centre overlooked the Gulf of Thailand. As I moved through my practice, memories of my grandfather floated in and out of my consciousness. And mixed feelings about going home.

As I lay on the floor at the end of the class in Savasana I felt tears of sadness and joy wash over my cheeks. The weight of guilt I was carrying about my grandfather leaving me, and tears of joy for all the beautiful memories we had shared that still lived inside me and could never be taken away. In that moment I felt close to my grandfather, I could feel that no matter what he was always with me. And I knew that no matter what I would be okay, and I accepted the change that lay ahead.

That was the moment I felt changed by the practice in a way I never expected. After that moment my practice went from a few times a week to a daily practice.  I found a place I could come to and feel what I needed to feel.

Whether on or off my mat I could practice yoga, in the way I lived my life.

Yoga is unlike anything else I have ever experienced.

I gain deep insight and wisdom that can be applied to how I move through life.

I have gained many tools from this incredible system.

It is a sacred place.

Where I can move and feel everything I need to feel, and I can navigate life’s challenges.

I have come to know myself on a deeper level.

It’s why I keep coming back to my mat.

It’s why I love to share yoga.

Sleeping Beauty

I've suffered with insomnia for as long as I can remember. 

My gran would say "Just put your head on the pillow and close your eyes, then go to sleep" , it would drive me crazy! Something that came so natural to her, eluded me and I felt frustrated.

I used to lie awake at night feeling lonely. I felt like I was the only person in the world who experienced sleep issues.

I recall a time at university where it was particularly bad. I had barely slept for days, and I was at my wits end. The flat I was living in at the time had a cat, and he was my only solace during those sleepless nights. This was before social media and speaking to someone in a different country and time zone was rather costly, so I couldn’t really reach out to someone to talk. It was just me and my thoughts. I remember thinking that there must be a reason why I couldn’t sleep, there had to be something wrong with me surely.

It wasn’t until many years later that I learned about my fathers sleeplessness, and met others who struggled like me.

I've had good and bad times with sleep.

In the bad times I’ve tried guided mentations, sleeping tablets, exercise, different foods, lotions, potions, sprays and oils. You name it I have probably tried it..………all that time and money, but nothing seemed to work for any length of time.

At one point in my life I thought not sleeping was a badge of honour. Phrases like “I’ll sleep when I am dead” and “Sleep is for the weak” are so common place in our society that I started to feel like I maybe not sleeping was cool. Not sleeping, and waking in the middle of the night wasn’t an obvious problem when I was younger as I could get through on caffeine and youth, but lack of sleep became more of a problem as I aged.

What I have learned over the years is that certain things will trigger my sleep disturbances, specific things will help me get to sleep and if I wake up I can get back to sleep with simple practices. I’ve learned that I’m very sensitive, and what I do during my day affects the likelihood of a quality nights rest.

Recently I was fortunate enough to take a Sleep Recovery™ course that further healed my relationship to sleep.

Here are my key takeaways from my years of sleep disturbance and Sleep Recovery™:

• What you do during the day is just as important as cultivating quality bedtime habits.

• There is no such thing as a good sleeper, versus bad sleeper. We need to discover what is right for our needs. For example someone might sleep 7 hours a night and wake feeling bright and energised, yet someone else might need 10 hours to feel the same way.

• Our energy levels will fluctuate through the day, and we can manage them with simple practices.

• Listen to the subtle signals of your body, when you feel the signs of sleepiness, provided you can, make your way to bed.

• We all have a sleep type and there are certain tools that work well depending on your sleep type.

• We can’t switch our minds off, so we need to find days of dealing with things that pile up in our mind throughout the day.

When we have sleep issues it can feel frustrating, not to mention it affects our cognition, and has been related to a variety of health concerns and diseases.

“Sleep problems constitute a global epidemic that threatens health and quality of life for up to 45% of the world's population” (World Sleep Day)

It’s fair to say that at some point in our lives we might experience sleep disturbances, and for some of us this may be fleeting. However, things like menopause, stress, massive changes in your life such as divorce, childbirth, moving home to name a few could elicit a change to your sleep.

So it is something worth spending time and effort on since it affects our quality of life and health.

If you have sleep issues, such as not sleeping, waking in the middle of the night and not being able to get back to sleep or waking up not feeling refreshed have a look at my website, for upcoming Sleep Recovery™ courses or book a private sleep session with me.

Self-care sabotage

I have been thinking a lot about self-care over the last few months and what this really means, and wanted to share some of it with you.

There are numerous podcasts out there talking about and offering wellness and self-care advice, which is GREAT! We need more of this in our lives.

However, this got me to thinking, what is behind it all. We know that going to bed early, eating well and taking time out for ourselves is beneficial to our wellbeing. So why is it so hard to do?

I think there can be MANY reasons, but some that I have identified in my research and I feel most connected to are

• feeling that we are not enough

• learned behaviour from family

• when I stop my mind becomes too busy with worry or to do list

• not able to say no or set clear boundaries

• being a people pleaser

The last two I believe are linked to a lack of self-worth or not enough-ness.

It can feel seriously overwhelming to go from 0 to 100 by setting our self the mammoth task of having better self-care everyday, and being perfect at it. To make matters worse if we don't do it one day it can feel like we have failed in some way, even though we know that failure is not a bad thing, as we learn so much from our failings (will save this for another email!).

So, what if we start with the small and easily manageable things?

An example of this was when I first started a home yoga practice I thought I had to practice for 90 minutes a day to be a '"good yogi", and as you can imagine life quickly got in the way, and I began to dislike doing my practice as it felt rushed, and I just didn't have time. In fact if I didn't have time I'd not practice at all as this was not enough, I'd then spend the entire day berating myself for it. I got extremely disheartened for not practicing ENOUGH. Until one day I made the decision that I would go to my mat everyday, and I would be there for as long as I wanted to be there, no judgement. I would practice enjoying and taking pleasure from my yoga practice - however brief it was. Soon after that I noticed a huge change, I was enjoying my practice again, and I was practicing everyday. Even the days I had less time, I would just jump on my mat and move for as long as I could, and felt good.

Why? I think it was down to the fact that there was no expectation. I was doing this for my love of yoga, and even more important for my love of me. It felt good to move my body, but it didn't feel good to move my body when I was just going through the motions because I felt I had to in order to meet some expectation.

This is the same for our self-care routine/ritual, if we are just doing these things because we feel we need to then there will always be an element of resistance with it. The way we treat ourself needs to come from a place of love, and an idea of pleasure or enjoyment, not from the "should" in our heads.

Whatever your self-care routine is or isn't right now try starting from where you are at, make a conscious decision to do the things that make you feel utterly wonderful. Be realistic too, and don't set unrealistic expectations for yourself only to feel like you have failed.

Most importantly, however, you deserve to feel good, in fact you deserve to feel absolutely amazing! Your self-care is not about meeting a quota, or achieving a goal it's about a way of life. It's about knowing that you deserve to have an early night, or that you don't have to stay late at work every evening, help your friend when you're tired, tidy the bathroom (insert your favourite here) to prove you are good enough, and worth taking care of.

We know that when we are feeling good and our cup is full, we are the best version of ourself. We can love 💗 and connect our friends and family, enjoy our time off by creating lasting memories and truly be present.

Take a moment now to think about what your self-care means to you and what will bring you the most joy, then do it! But remember, if you miss a day, week or longer, be kind to yourself, and start right where you are.

Ride the waves

During my holiday last year in Ericeira Portugal I had an experience that shifted my energy. It was high tide and turbulent day for me to choose to surf but the waves had been poor the previous day so Tom and I were eager to get out. Once out in the ocean the enormity of the waves hit me, and after a little breather whilst bobbing up and down one these huge waves I decided to make an attempt for shore. Inexperienced and terrified I found myself hurtling to shore, before getting mashed up by the wave. I landed next to some rocks my lead tied it’s self around my ankles meaning that an escape from the next ginormous wave approaching impossible. After being churned up once more by the wave, my leash freed up and I grabbed my board to run for safety. As I looked back at the ocean it was empty not a surfer in sight. The waves continued breaking and crashing onto the rocks at the shore, and I realised it was a lucky escape.

As I walked home that night I sobbed, and felt all of the anxiety and tension that I had been holding in my body from this event flow out of me very unceremoniously.

The next day completely afraid I picked up my board and faced the waves again......this time they were slightly smaller. Even though I was afraid and visibly shaking I spent the next three hours surfing the waves. It was amazing! I felt the rush and thrill of the ocean, and the euphoria as I caught wave after wave. 

The following day I stopped in the street to play around with a little inversion. Something that for many of my students can be very frightening. I had tumbled out of handstands a few times in the past and although I was still working with them, if I am being honest I was holding back a little. As someone who is a self proclaimed control freak I was afraid of not being in control. However that day something was different, I hopped up into my handstand I felt the charge of energy flow through me, and I could feel the earth pulling up through my hands. Holding the balance my body felt completely alive and energised. I felt like something had changed. I felt that loosing control on the waves that, and realising that I am unable to control everything it made me more connected to my body. I was less in my head and more in my body, feeling the pose. 

We are taught to see fear as something to be supressed, or to be ashamed of, something that we should hide from others incase they see our vulnerabilities. While I do agree that there are times when it really does serve us to keep our fear hidden to protect ourselves, it is often our fear that keeps us trapped in a state, way of being and living that doesn't serve us. What I experienced on my trip was being very afraid at the mercy of the powerful ocean, then going back the next day to face the fear, which in turn really grounded me. My experience taught me great things can happen when we ride the wave, feel all that comes up and move through it.